Anger

I’m angry. Not just mildly annoyed angry but near seeing red kind of angry. I feel like I’m constantly holding myself back from violently attacking something (or worse, someone). The stress of not doing so is making me exhausted, depressed and withdrawn.

Why am I angry?

Cancer.

And cancer treatment side effects.

Both of which I can do nothing to help with. I want to be doing something to help but all I can do is hold her hand and remind her to take her meds. I can’t think her way out of this, I can’t zap the side-effects away, I can’t even help stop the pain. I want to simultaneously scream, cry, and rage.

I’m also scared I’m not strong enough for this. That I’m going to crack. That I’m not going to be here for her.

I just don’t know what to do.

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6 Responses to Anger

  1. Steve Wheeler says:

    Hey Robb, know exactly where you are at. You have a great number of good friends who have your back.
    Love ya mate.

  2. Robb says:

    Thanks Steve. I’m doing better now that Sueanne is doing better. Still pissed but not feeling like I’m one asshole away from a ride in a police cruiser.

  3. April Welles says:

    I’m curious. Have you and SueAnne considered THC or cannabinoid treatment? Not actually smoking marijuana (although that can help some, too), but the actual use of cannabinoids.
    There have been many studies (mostly, but not entirely) by research facilities in other countries, Spain for one, and a couple in this country have been allowed, that show they help to reduce and kill cancer cells much better than Chemo and Radiation.

    With Colorado being more lenient on marijuana perhaps that is a route to try.

    I can only, also, suggest to do your best by sending her love and feeling grateful for what the two of you have, and the health she still does have. At least she can still walk, she can still breathe, she can still see and hear. She can still enjoy.
    Those are all wonderful things.
    Strange as it may sound, the more grateful you feel for what you both have the better you both can feel.

    I know it sounds strange. Believe me. I have clinical, and debilitating depression, and the last thing I ever wanted to hear people say is, “Just think happy thoughts.”
    In a way, though, it’s true. Think about the things you are grateful for, no matter how tiny. The more often you do that the more you feel better. I speak from experience.

    Again, just thoughts and suggestions. You are good friends and I want for you both to be happy and healthy and have a life filled with Love. 🙂

    Whatever happens, I am here to listen.
    Cheers and Namaste to you both.
    Love to you and SueAnne. ♥

    • Robb says:

      When it comes to cancer would you be willing to try? When a fully accredited study is done and is conclusive then we would but as of right now the studies are either wild claims or from such a small study group that they’re inconclusive. She is getting trastuzumab (aka Herceptin) which i a mono-clonal antibody that targets SHE/2 positive tumors. No side effects and is very effective.

      • April Welles says:

        Okay. Cool. 🙂
        Thanks for the reply and the info.
        The best I can do for you both is sending you good feelings for positive change.

        Much health to you both.
        Cheers. :-)<

  4. Curtis Boswell aka Scratchawan Learner says:

    Robb,

    I’ve had anger issues too…. in my past, sometimes still today. I think that anger comes from pain…. When you see someone in abject misery… and you love that person, so very much…. and yet you are helpless to help THEM…. It is the the worst, most terrible feeling in the world. When a man is a builder…a creator, a doer… (for lack of a better term?) He’s used to being able to THINK…to engineer solutions for the problems, the crisis, that life throws his way. Best minds that our species possesses, have been trying to engineer a way around the dreaded C disease, for more years than I’ve been alive. (I’m in my late forties now.) Fear leads to anger… Yoda was right. Fear of loss, and rage at the pain of someone we love very much. If Michele had cancer….I think I’d probably be like you. It’s like that, when you really love someone. Robb, I’ve only typed to you in a forum, until now. When bad things happen, to good people…. news tends to travel. All I can tell you, is that when the times are the worst… that’s when a man’s character….or lack of it, will manifest. A man’s strengths and his love…will be placed under the heaviest stress that they’ll ever know. I hope that Sue gets better, my friend… and I hope she does it soon. I seldom pray these days…. and I don’t pray for myself. I’ll pray for Sue…and I’ll hope like all hell, that she responds well to treatment. Try to beat the anger thing, Robb…. because all that it leaves behind it…. is an empty aching void… Ask me how I know. Ask me about eighty hour workdays trying to forget… and eventually burning out. Then….slowly finding a life again. But that’s me…and I’m hoping it’s never you. Life has it’s ebb…and it’s flow. It is my hope, and my prayer, that you never have cause to be that angry again. We live in a world, that is filled with “assholes” and “fucktards” if you will pardon my french…. more than a few clueless dipshits too. Sadly…almost all of them possess driver’s licenses. As a truck driver, I find this more than a tad annoying…. Just tell yourself what I tell MYself… “It isn’t their fault….” And it isn’t. Things that are Effed in your world….is no one’s fault. We can’t find a label, and find a whipping boy or girl, upon which to pin our rage…our fear…our anger…our frustration… because it isn’t fair. To unleash such, on one human being… because we are having a bad life? Robb, I know enough about you, to know that you are a good man. I’ve seen you moderate in the SSM forums, for damned near ten years now. That’s long enough to be a pretty fair judge of character. You believe in justice, my friend…. and in what is fair for all. A good moderator has to have these qualities…and in plentiful supply. Remember… someone may be inobservant…. or having an off day… or maybe they truly ARE a dickweed…. but they aren’t the cause of your wife’s pain… so they shouldn’t be a vent hole for rage to be blown through. Go, and rent a chainsaw, my friend… and obtain a good stout axe. Go cut up some limbs… and go cut and split some firewood for the winter. Take out your anger on those cut up trunks and limbs…. and you’ll have less rage to deal with, and wood to warm you, next winter. (I’ve tried this one… it DOES work…) Please give SueAnn my warmest wishes for better health. I think she’s lucky to have someone like you love her, as much as you do….and she’s obviously worth loving that way. Congratulations to you both… on loving one another so much. Too many people don’t have a clue as to what love, and devotion truly are. I finally found a woman who “gets” it…AND who gets ME. If she had the dreaded C monster… I know I’d be a wreck too. Hope like all hell that it never happens… Brightest blessing your way, Robb Merrill…and SueAnn’s way too. P.S. April’s advice is dead on… research WAS done, in the United States, during the Nixon administration. Study was done in California, but the results were suppressed by the Nixon FDA. Cannabis Oil has been proven to attack cancerous masses, and leave healthy tissue alone. Glad that the current meds are doing the job, without side effects. It will get better, my friend…. just not soon enough to please either of us.

    Sincerely yours Curtis Boswell
    a.k.a. Scratchawan Learner

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